Can we start over blog? Clean slate. Let’s just get back to where we were. That being said, how about I share what’s been on my heart to make it up to you? Hopefully it will encourage someone, or at least help anyone who reads it know that we all struggle. Nobody’s got it all together. But there is hope outside the mess.
Here is an exact replica of a today’s expression that I recounted in my journal…the journal and entries are mostly prayers and act as a quasi-helpful outlet for me regarding my thoughts. If I write it down, I can see those crazy, tangled thoughts in a tangible way. Writing there (and here on my blog) helps me be honest about myself, my emotions, and also functions as a place to remind myself of truth that I forget or choose to ignore sometimes. Sorry if that didn’t make sense, but here goes…
You are unchanging. I watch myself worry, and over-analyze, and over-think. Then You gently pull me back to this spot and remind me that You are beyond these things. The Truth amidst my worry is that You are a constant stronghold. Where does fear in not having control play out in my life? Well, that’s easy—in school (group projects, grades, approval), job (where am I headed? where will I be? am I doing this correctly?), relationships (finding friends here in DC, being a good roommate, feelings when it comes to dating somebody). And if I’m being real, I need to reference our relationship too, Lord. I have this overarching fear of not performing well enough for You. I mess up a lot. I am selfish pretty much 99.984594% of the time. But you have TOLD me, “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand” (John 10:27-28).
I believe that sometimes. Let me say that again. I believe that sometimes.
I hate that it’s sometimes! I want to believe Your Truth ALL the time! But the days that I don’t believe it dictate my integrity, my character. Or so I feel. However, even that is untrue. The love and spiritual communion You offer me is one based on GRACE. It is the way that You operate. A way that I deeply desire to operate myself toward the people You have allowed me to encounter. God, make me into a person of grace. Far too often I find myself grace-less. How does that honor anyone? It doesn’t. It is the antithesis of my God and Savior. Which makes it harmful to that which He has created—others (myself included). I know that I am precious to You—You have redeemed me in ways I never thought (let alone knew) were possible. But yet, I find myself immersed in a shallow happiness that fulfills for a little while. I think of CS Lewis when he claims that we, as humans that have yet to be reconciled with our God are “far too easily pleased”. This Earth does not satisfy the depths of my soul. But You, in Your limitless grace, give us glimpses of Your Heavenly essence.
My prayer is that You would awaken me to not only You, but to myself and the person You created me to be when I’m most satisfied in You. My troubles and hardships are temporal, because You have overcome the world. You’ve granted me a sure hope. Meet me where I am, and make me more like You.
There it is. Feeling pretty candid today. That’s it.
Well, those two months really flew by. Need a catch-up? Here’s what’s been happening… I took a whirlwind trip to Europe with my friend and roommate, Caroline. We hit up a ton of places and had a blast with Contiki Tours. There were 40 other people on our trip, mostly Australians, then 2 Canadians and a New Zealander. We went to London, Paris, Nice, Lucerne, Florence, Rome, Venice, Pisa, Vienna, Munich, Prague, St. Goar, and Amsterdam over the course of 28 days. It was pretty awesome, and a good taster of a first-time trip to Europe.
I spent a few days, including the 4th of July in Austin before heading back to Camp Longhorn to work 3rd term. Going back to Camp was really wonderful. There are just some elements of Camp that don’t change, and so there’s always a comfort and familiarity returning to a place you once knew. This was my 12th year at Camp, and I was given the Chiefs as my cabin. They are 16 years old, and the oldest cabin in girls’ camp. A typical cabin at Camp Longhorn has about 10-15 girls. I had 37. Yes. THIRTY SEVEN. And we had a blast.
Going into Camp, I still didn’t have a place to live in DC, but fortunately that all worked out while I was there. I found a place to live with three other girls, and I move next week! It’s surreal that it’s all happening now—reality is hitting. I’m really leaving Austin. I’m really leaving all my friends that haven’t left already. I’m really going to have to meet new people (which is so exciting!). I really have to find a new internship. I really have to go back to school….oh right, forgot about that.
Anyhow, He is faithful. Of that I am always sure, even when I’m not…if that makes sense. I’m ready to see what the Lord has for me in DC, and ready to be an instrument of His provision. I’ll update post-move with pictures and exciting things
It’s different. Being a graduate of the University of Texas at Austin is different than I imagined. I drive by the CMA, and realize that I will never have a class there again. I pick up my friend that works at Gregory Gym, and for the first time get stopped by the gatekeeper on 21st street in front of Littlefield Fountain (the one that thinks he’s more legit than he actually is—yeah you know who I’m talking about). I see DKR Stadium from my house, and the tower lit up like the beacon of hope that it’s always represented from sun-up to sun-down. Etc. Etc.
Well, such is life. In the past few months I’ve accepted my spot at Georgetown University to pursue my master’s in Sport Industry Management. Let’s be honest guys, I can’t wait to start. It will be strange moving from my 22 year home of Texas, USA…but as my sister cleverly pointed out, I’m going from capitol to capitol. After much prayer, I am sure and at peace with the fact that the Lord has called me to DC, and to a life there for at least 1 year. As unfamiliar as I can imagine, I am confident in His sovereignty and ready for the new life He has for me there.
The past month He’s really been teaching me to see and actively recognize His hand in my life. After reading1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp, all of these lessons seemed to hone in on thanksgiving. By giving thanks to God in each and every instance of life (good, bad, hard, boring, overwhelming, sinful, loving, simple, difficult, etc), I can fully and wholly recognize my God who is the I AM. That is His name. I AM…which equals the present moment. Yes, He absolutely was, is and is to come, but as revealed to Moses in Exodus, my Abba Father’s name is I AM. God is most fully God in the present. He is living, and acting on behalf of our good and His glory. I have moments of sheer uncertainty about life/future, and I don’t like it. But, as usual, when I come before my Father in prayer over my fears, He is quick to remind me of his faithfulness. He has always come to my aid, my provision and my counsel. There is more beauty in these moments of tasting and seeing that the Lord is good (ALWAYS) than ever striving after something of my own accord. When I grasp something that I want (not His will), I find myself frustrated and unfulfilled. His timing is perfect, and I would much rather have my Creator handpick me a roommate for next year, an attitude to handle a situation or a heart-check as a pursue someone far from Christ than EVER having to run after it on my own and decide what’s best for “me”. He knows me more deeply and more intricately than I could ever know myself, and I want what He wants for me.
It can be discouraging from time to time, and I’ve been there. But His Word is true, and His promises are always filled. He will never leave nor forsake us. He works all things together for our good and for His glory (which is holy). He will sanctify us to make us look more like His son. It is my prayer for both you and me…. that we would accept His refinement and trust in Him in each moment—finding ways to thank my God for His everlasting kindness.
Whoops, it’s been 2 months since I’ve posted. I guess things just got busy. Quick update before I post about what I really intended to (identifying your idols). In the time since my last post I turned 22 years old, had Thanksgiving in Austin with my family, took exactly ZERO finals (gotta love senior year), spent Christmas in St. Louis with my family, got my tonsils out/had sinus surgery, started my final semester at UT and found out 2 days ago that I got into Georgetown’s Masters of Professional Studies program for Sport Management: Strategic Marketing, New Media & Communications!
Murderhaus is just as hoppin as ever. I so enjoy living with 7 wonderful, encouraging and loving friends as we all trek toward graduation together.
Alright, here’s the real reason for this post. Last week at the Austin Stone Community Church, our pastor Matt Carter unpacks what root idols of the human heart look like. I’ve attached a video of the sermon which I highly recommend you watch HERE.
Here are my thoughts post-sermon:
It’s always been very clear to me that I have a Control idol. Absolutely. I really hate it when people deviate from MY schedule specifically. However, I have no problem being flexible when it comes to other people’s schedules. This is obviously a very selfish matter. Furthermore, I like to have an idea or plan of what’s to come, and actively do things that will ensure its success. All in all, super control freak idol.
After examining the definitions of the 4 idols and examining myself, I think that Approval plays a big part in my issues as well. I like when people like me. I like knowing that I’m doing things that impress my family and friends—being above adequate. Many of my actions can be based on what others will think or perceive about me and my character.
Now that God has actually given me the courage to admit my idols, I will seek Him first for redemption from these idols that weigh me down and only create more strife in my life. He is always faithful to reconcile me to Himself. Thankful for a God who loves me more than I could ever love Him. There is no power in self that comes from self alone, but only from the one who has created you.
O Canada, our home and native land…..
Those 7 words beginning the national anthem of Canada couldn’t be more true for me. I spent 4 days in Canada over Halloween weekend with my mother and sister. It was ridiculously amazing. There were so many times when Canada literally took my breath away or all I could say was, “Oh…CANADA”. Moving through the first line, I completely identified with “our home and native land”, although I can’t say that I’m Canadian. I am born and raised a Texan, although I feel like Canada is the homeland of my heart for some reason. I guess it’s the cooler weather, the beautiful scenery, the nice people, and of course, the hockey. While in the Vancouver airport, I could already tell that I was meant to live in Canada.
As we walked around downtown, biked through Stanley Park, caught a Canucks game at Rogers Arena and sipped on French Vanilla’s from Tim Horton’s—-I knew I was home.
I won’t bore you with all the details, but the trip to Vancouver was my first trip to Canada. All in all, I would definitely go back. I actually plan on applying for jobs in Canada, and I’ll let you in on a secret…I even researched graduate programs in sport management at Canadian universities. Just for kicks. But hey, who knows where I’ll be at this time next year?
Rogers Arena with my mom and sister after the Canucks-Capitals game. (Canucks won!)
My sister and me at Granville Island—a public market across from downtown Vancouver.
My sister and I tandem-biked around Stanley Park. It was stunning.
Stanley Park—all the leaves changing for autumn. Amazing.
At the top of Grouse Mountain. It’s usually a ski resort in the winter, but they haven’t had enough snowfall yet.
Long time, no blog.
Things, they are a changin. Sorry for the 2 clichés right off the bat, but what can you do?
The Texas Stars season is in full swing now, so at least I’m busy these days as compared to the beginning of the school year. However, I’m finishing up my fall semester, with only one left to go. Am I ready to graduate? Definitely. Where do I go from there? Don’t know. At this point, everything is kind of up in the air.
Many of my friends already know exactly where they’re going to be at this time next year. My business and engineering friends have received their job offers and are signing contracts now with big companies like PWC, KPMG, E&Y, Lockheed Martin, Waste Management, Verizon, Samsung, etc. My education friends will get certified soon, and apply to districts around Texas. Two of my roommates got offers from Teach For America in awesome cities, and they will accept those offers within the week.
I’ve started trolling TeamworkOnline for NHL/AHL/ECHL job openings in marketing and/or community relations. I worked an event last night for the Texas Stars Foundation and loved it—I so want to be in a position where I get to engage the fans and players together all while reaching out to the community and raising money for charities. Back to job discussion—I’ve started talking to my colleagues and they’ve all given me some really positive feedback. They have connections, and have assured me that they’ll use them, which is encouraging. Furthermore, each has offered a glowing recommendation any time I need it. For any of you reading and know of a position that might fit me—I’m completely willing to relocate, and will graduate in May of 2012 with 2 seasons’ experience with a minor league hockey team in the AHL.
I got my first rejection letter yesterday from a job that I applied for. I wasn’t really all that upset, as they had over 1000 applicants which is INSANE. But I figured I might as well go for it and at least start practicing applying for jobs. I was actually surprised they sent a letter.
My alternate option (if I don’t get a job) is to consider grad school. I’ve started an application for Georgetown’s Sport Industry Management program. It’s a Masters of Professional Studies in communication, strategic marketing and new media…which is right up my alley. I would love to move to DC and if the program could get me an internship with the Washington Capitals, that would be great experience. I could make connections and meet people while also upping my qualification for jobs in the future. It would also give me an extra year to get up on my feet. On the other hand, I don’t LOVE school. It’s just never been my “thing”. I’m much more of a people person—I would choose comforting a friend who got an F on a test over studying for my own any day. Not because I’m a slacker, but because relationships (in my mind) are far more valuable than one test.
Well, that’s kind of where I’m sitting right now. In between searching for job applications, networking through my job, and toying with the idea of grad school—only the Lord knows what’s to come. If you’d like, please pray for direction in my life. I’m very much a planner, and like to know what’s coming. However, God is currently giving me a lot of peace with not knowing where I’ll be, but it is a little unnerving sometime. I know that he’s given me a passion to be missional in the workplace and sports industry. It’s just a matter of where He wants me after I graduate.
Thanks for sticking with me. Happy to answer to questions you may have.
P.S.—who’s been watching the Dallas Stars lately? They are TEARING THINGS UP (excluding that 7-0 loss against the Florida Panthers)! Love what they’ve been doing. I’ll cease my hockey banter now.
In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.
I don’t think all that many people know that in the summer of 2010, God rested a calling on my heart to adopt. I have witnessed the Gospel more times than I can count with this calling—and seen it lived out in other people’s lives. I have read countless blogs and articles dealing with adoption, and the Lord has shown me love and redemption in my own life through adopting me into His kingdom for eternity. There is true beauty in adoption as it parallels with what our Savior has done for His children. He has taken us in, and loved us tenfold. If you have a huge earthly family or no earthly family, it doesn’t matter. His love is the ultimate love. His grace is the ultimate fulfillment. That being said, I’ve been blessed by a loving earthly family of 6—with extended family who is just as supportive and loving. I did not deserve this blessing, but God has burdened me to go and take in a child (or children) and love them unconditionally as He has done with me. There is no partiality in God’s love for His children, and should I have biological children and adopted children it would be a daily prayer for me to show no partiality in His likeness.
I’m frequently reminded by those who have already adopted how hard it can be. Especially when adopting an older child who has and remembers his/her life experiences prior to joining your family. Even this article entitled, “Don’t Adopt” acknowledges that the difficulties of adoption aren’t for everyone.
Every adoption, every orphan—-represents a tragedy. Someone was killed, someone left, someone was impoverished, or someone was diseased. Wrapped up in each situation is some kind of hurt, and all that accompanies that. That’s the reason there really is no adoption that is not a “special needs” adoption; you just might not know on the front end what those special needs are.
This is a short post, but it’s just a fraction of my heart. And I fully intend on obeying God’s calling in my life to adopt a child—and couldn’t be more excited and at peace that His will is sovereign and true.
Adoption is about taking on risk as cross-bearing love.
Matt Lantz, director of the Forge program at Pine Cove wrote this series this summer regarding a method for dating. It’s great for guys/girls alike, so give it a good read. You will learn a lot about honoring the hearts of others and your Creator when it comes to dating.
Asked by outdoordesigns
Definitely sad! Really wish that he had just retired after the 2009-2010 season instead of taking that one year with Detroit. He could have spent his entire career in one franchise (fittingly). However, I’m glad Joe Nieuwendyk was able to offer him a contract for 1 day so that he could retire as a Dallas Star. I grew up watching and loving Mike since day 1, so it was and still is pretty rough for me to think of the Stars without him.
Thanks for the well-wishes on my job hunt!
Y’all. I found it. A possible dream job.
Community Relations Coordinato
Your Role: Assist with creation of the Community Relations strategies. Assist in the development of team’s community outreach programs and charitable initiatives. Provide event management for all community relations’ events and activities including Holiday Toy Shopping and Delivery, in-game collection drives, charity partners’ game nights and Cuts for a Cause. Coordinate player appearances for all Community Relations activities. Direct all team autograph sessions. Coordinate and facilitate individual player community programs efforts, including but not limited to budgeting, facilitating, promoting and supervising groups for player programs. Liaison for wives in regards to charitable involvement. Prepare weekly department updates to all major departments, including sales, premium services, media, publications, Foundation, marketing and corporate sponsorships. Collaborate with Marketing and Communications to promote Community Relations initiatives through advertising, broadcast, publicity and in-game assets. Execute all fan experience packages during all home games. Manage Season Ticket and Premium charity ticket program to ensure all tickets are properly distributed to local non-profits. Oversee and maintain charitable partners and hospital contact database. Coordinate and manage I.C.E. School including teacher registrations, lesson plan distribution, student certificate distribution, program expansion and prize fulfillment. Coordinate all charity donations including autographed items, game tickets and fan experience items. Provide content for the “Hub Buzz” database newsletter and provide updates for website. Assist with all grassroots marketing efforts. Recruit, train, and manage all Community Relations interns and game night staff. Collaborate with outside entities for all charitable requests and manage charitable request process. Order premium items and autograph merchandise. All other duties as assigned.
I can so see myself working in as this Coordinator. In a surreal, but ever so clear way.
Small- JJ Heller.
Cardboard cutouts on the floor
People wish that you were more like what they wanted you to be
Eventually they won’t have much of you at all in their theology
The walls are closing in on you
You cannot be contained at all
I don’t want to make you small
I don’t want to fit you in my pocket
A cross around my throat
You are brighter than the sun
You’re closer than the tiny thoughts I have of you
But I could never fathom you at all
Broken moldings all around
Broken people hit the ground
When they discover that you’re not here for our benefit
You love in spite of us
You use the least of us to prove the strong aren’t really strong at all
I don’t know if this is technically allowed in the blogging world, but I posted a list of my favorite things about fall last year….and I love fall so much that I’m posting it again in hopes of Austin, Texas taking a hint and bringing the cooler weather—and all the other fantastic things that accompany this glorious season.
1) The days get shorter and it’s so nice to be walking outside in the late afternoon before dinner watching the sun go down and seeing everything’s long shadows on the sidewalk.
2) The smells. Where to begin? The air outside has a woodsy, smoky smell but it’s so fresh that it’s invigorating. The sweltering, humid, tangible heat is gone and the air is brisk and refreshing. My mom always puts orange peels and cinnamon sticks on the stove to boil and disperse a home-y, delicious and cozy scent through our whole house.
3) The colors. I love bright, neon, fun, springy colors but nothing can beat the deep scarlets, oranges, purples, yellows and browns. There’s something so romantic about them that makes you feel immediately calm and content.
4) Sportin’ my North Face fleece. I don’t know what it is about those jackets but my absolute favorite outfit of all time is jeans, tshirt and a North Face. I am most comfortable in it out of anything—as much as I love my Nike shorts nothing can beat soft, broken-in jeans and hanging out in a cozy jacket.
5) If you know me, you know that I love my Jeep—we have a very close relationship. My car is literally me in a vehicle. The black Jeep with its black interior really doesn’t fend well in the summer months. The seats scald my legs and the car just absorbs all the heat it can. In the fall it always remains a great temperature. I love that it’s not sweltering anymore.
6) Hockey season starts in October. I hate going to hockey games when it’s hotter than all get out. After growing up going to Dallas Stars games I can’t help but associate the fall with hockey season. Let me again mention the shorter days that fall brings, because in Dallas, hockey games always start at 7:30pm and so when you get to the American Airlines Center it’s already dark—just brings back so many good memories that I like to repeat every year. It’s chilly outside and it’s chilly inside and everything is perfect (especially when the Stars win).
7) I can’t talk about autumn without discussing football. I’m not talking TV football—I mean real-life HIGH SCHOOL, sitting in the bleachers under a blanket, next to the band, with families surrounding you football. I LOVED going to high school football games from a young age—it was social and fun. When I actually got to high school it became even more wonderful because you actually knew the guys that were on the team. UT football is great but there’s something about being with all the families that you grew up with and go to school with cheering on your best friends and enjoying time together.
8) There’s a feeling about autumn that is so perfectly giddy and romantic. I remember talking about this with my junior high youth pastor many years ago. Fall brings forward a type of happiness and flirtiness that can’t be duplicated during any other season. It’s just a prime season for budding romances as you head into the Christmas season. I don’t know how to put my finger on it but it’s a very sweet time in terms of boy-girl relationships.
9) I had to include this: my birthday is November 4th! I guess I’ve just always loved this time of year because I associate it with my birthday! It’s far enough into school where you’ve finally found your niche/caught up with old friends but early enough that you don’t feel young and like your birthday is so terribly far away. This year I’ll be turning
21 22 so I’m very much looking forward to autumn 2010 2011.
10) Simple as it is, I love the leaves changing and falling from the trees. We don’t get to experience much color-changing on the trees here in Austin (and in Texas in general) but it’s beautiful regardless. It’s so freeing to just walk down the street and have the wind blow and see tons of leaves start falling and swirling around you—then kicking through them on the ground.
11) New TV shows come back and so do new seasons of TV shows! Love it. I need some Glee in my life ASAP.
12) Harry Potter always premieres in November and I can’t tell you how happy HP makes me paired with the autumnal (yeah I just said that) season. I know there aren’t any more HP movies coming out but I’ll probably still watch them every November.
13) Fall Back!! Oh man, sleeping in for an extra hour: glorious. Spring forward can go be lame and mess up someone else’s sleep schedule because I don’t want to see it.
14) Baked pumpkin seeds seasoned with either salt or cinnamon sugar. So good.
15) I actually crave coffee when it’s a little cold outside. I hate hot drinks in the summer. I really really like coffee but just can’t deal with it when it’s so darn hot.
16) No more sweating! Gloves and boots and hats and scarves and overcoats…so cute!
17) Seeing your breath. Let’s be honest it’s just fun.
18) This might be a little weird, but I like getting to cover up. I’m not too self-conscious but I just get sick of trying to find clothes that are modest and that I don’t have to worry about someone looking down, up, through, etc. Also it’s nice to stand up and not have your thighs be ripped from a seat because they’ve been adhered by sick nasty sweat. Slide on, slide off the chair. Blissful.
19) Sitting by the fire. Whether it’s a restaurant or at home or at a coffee shop—sitting by the fire is so nice. Fire light is one of the most flattering lights a person can be in. It makes everyone and everything look so beautiful. Especially the people you love most.
20) There’s never a seasonal constraint on frozen yogurt in my book. So a nice thing about autumn is that I can still go to Yogurt Planet and not feel weird about it. Who cares if it’s 50 degrees outside and you’re eating froyo? Eat inside and you’ll never know the difference!